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One common criticism of polyamory is that it tends to be something that's only undertaken in the short term or when people haven't found the "right partner". I have observed some people do it for reasons that are not conducive to building a healthy long-term relationship. However, I do believe that stable long-term polyamory is possible, and I have looked to find examples of couples in stable long-term open relationships. Most of the polyamorous people I know have only been together for a few years at most.
As a result, I've been curious to find someone who studies open relationships with the same level of detail and scientific rigor as John Gottman uses to study relationships in general. Unfortunately no such person exists but I did find a PhD student (Elaine Cook) who sought out stable long-term polyamorous couples to see what they all have in common. Everyone in the study had been in an open relationship for at least 5 years,
You can read the full journal article here and the fully-in depth master's thesis here, but if you wish to quite literally jump to conclusions, read on:
Most of the conclusions about what is necessary for long-term polyamory seemed quite applicable to relationships in general -- appreciation of your partner, closeness, clear communication, good listening skills, willingness to be flexible. Here's what popped out that was specific to polyamory :
- Willingness to deal with jealousy and not let it become a controlling influence.
- Willingness to strip off the cultural baggage associated with the act of sex.
- Willingness to see the issues that come up in the relationship as a result of polyamory as growth opportunities.
- Willingness to approach adherence to relationship agreements in a flexible way instead of a lawyer-like way. Agreements may need to change over time.
- Not having the main reason for pursuing polyamory be the desire to have secondary partners as ways of filling needs that are not met by the primary relationship.
( The "conclusions" section of the paper )
As a result, I've been curious to find someone who studies open relationships with the same level of detail and scientific rigor as John Gottman uses to study relationships in general. Unfortunately no such person exists but I did find a PhD student (Elaine Cook) who sought out stable long-term polyamorous couples to see what they all have in common. Everyone in the study had been in an open relationship for at least 5 years,
You can read the full journal article here and the fully-in depth master's thesis here, but if you wish to quite literally jump to conclusions, read on:
Most of the conclusions about what is necessary for long-term polyamory seemed quite applicable to relationships in general -- appreciation of your partner, closeness, clear communication, good listening skills, willingness to be flexible. Here's what popped out that was specific to polyamory :
- Willingness to deal with jealousy and not let it become a controlling influence.
- Willingness to strip off the cultural baggage associated with the act of sex.
- Willingness to see the issues that come up in the relationship as a result of polyamory as growth opportunities.
- Willingness to approach adherence to relationship agreements in a flexible way instead of a lawyer-like way. Agreements may need to change over time.
- Not having the main reason for pursuing polyamory be the desire to have secondary partners as ways of filling needs that are not met by the primary relationship.
( The "conclusions" section of the paper )
