The glory of Sky Mall

[mattbell]

I like Sky Mall for its cross-sectional look into the assumed hidden desires of a wide variety of jet-setting consumers.  My own desires and needs are so different from others' that it's interesting to wrap my brain around the question of "who actually buys some of this shit?"  Presumably people do.  Sky Mall is still in business and they undoubtedly do lots of market research.  I will admit there are some very clever inventions in there that fill tight unrealized product niches... hopefully the inventors are getting something out of it.  On the other hand, there are some things that I just can't figure out at all.  It's as if the Sky Mall product designers just start throwing darts at a dartboard full of words to come up with ideas.  eg: "Let's have a PICTURE FRAME that's also a HEATER.  Brilliant!"   In the tradition of regretsy and cakewrecks, maybe someone should start productwrecks.com. 

I photographed the most ridiculous things I found.  Prove me wrong.  Show me I'm mistaken.  Tell me you know someone who'd buy this.

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Corporate InspireBar(TM)

The Successories people have truly outdone themselves this time.  Even people who get excited about a "Teamwork" kinetic sculpture featuring faceless corporate drones on a rowboat must be at least a little turned off by this... a 5 pound $95 chocolate bar imbued with every motivational word and slogan ever invented all crammed together with some horrendous clip art in the graphic design equivalent of a 50-car pileup.  It's like some weird sort of corporate ritual magic... if we all eat this bar, we'll all become more focused, inspired, and goal-oriented.



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UWCP Underwater Cellular Phone System

At first I thought "well, this is a total niche market, but I could see this being useful for scuba divers to coordinate with one another or with a surface support boat but at $1790 they'll have a very small and targeted market.  Shouldn't they advertise in a scuba magazine instead?  Then I looked closely and realized that the system is tethered -- the phone stays on the surface, so you have to dive around while trailing a long line back to the buoy, making it a serious tangle issue and limiting your dive depth to very beginner-level depths.  It almost defeats the whole purpuse.  I also love the confluence of stock images.  I doubt that woman would keep such a straight professional face while listening to the scuba diver's gurglings. 



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A clock with customizable photos and chimes.

What grandmother doesn't want to hear their grandson's voice every time the clock strikes two and the theme song to their favorite TV show when it strikes three?   All of them, presumably.   It's Timmy o'clock!  Time to get to church!   This could be hacked to do bizarre things, but that's not the audience they're reaching for.



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Garden zombie

For people who enjoy having a zombie in their well-manicured garden.  I could see some very geeky people using the zombie in other contexts, so it's kind of bizarre that it's being shown in this serene setting. 



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Truck antlers

My friend's reaction to seeing this ad was "oh, that's totally cute"!  But no, it's not supposed to be cute.  It's supposed to be MANLY.  My truck has these MANl... oh I give up, CUTE! little antlers.  Let's go hunting!  I'll go change into my cute little antler-print hunting vest first! 



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Home vending machine.

"having your own vending machine makes the ultimate statement".  Yes indeed.  It says "I want diabetes!"  For those times when opening the refrigerator door is too much effort, now there's this!



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Solafeet foot tanner

This product is aimed at people who are worried others will gawk at them for having unsightly tan lines around their ankles.  Ah, those fashion-conscious golfers.  Surely people will also gawk at you if you have a tanning box under your desk. 



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CAT DEATHSTAR

Need I say more?  Okay, so I could see people buying this, but it just looked really funny.



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Aculife Therapist Deluxe

I could see people buying this too, but it gets a special award for the tagline "Help strengthen your health with the latest ancient technology".



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Heated photo frame

Now I can have pictures of hot girls, I mean, hot pictures of girls, all over my room.  I think if I got this, I'd submit a photo of sinister-looking red eyes on a black background, or perhaps a scene from Greenland.  I admit it's a good way of surreptitiously integrating a space heater into a room, but something about this just seems so... wrong.



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Edge Baking Pan.  (IMHO they should have called it "Pan's Labyrinth")

I'm including this as an example of something that's actually rather clever.  Now *everyone* get's a corner piece, which would have solved a lot of problems at childhood birthday parties.


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This may be my longest post ever, at least as far as screen-inches is concerned.

If you'd prefer, browse the flickr set.

Comments

[dixiemouse.livejournal.com]

I would not be surprised if I actually know someone with the dude craling out of the ground... and use it for Halloween... (I have a couple people that send pics every year of their houses decorated and I have stopped actually looking at them...)

I have to admit though, always looking throught Sky Mall just to see what crazy stuff they have come up with... (although, personally, not a fan of the "all edges" brownie pan... I always liked the center... I know, I am difficult ;] )

[ekesobriquet.livejournal.com]

They need to use the "practical side of quantum physics" to create an edgeless baking pan.

[dixiemouse.livejournal.com]

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!! You have no idea how happy just the idea of that makes me!!

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

If you could do it is zero-g you could just coat the outside of a sphere with batter and suspend it in the middle of the oven. No quantum needed!

[ekesobriquet.livejournal.com]

This clearly needs to become some sort of actual project.

[mhat.livejournal.com]

Mmm, cat deathstar!

[plymouth.livejournal.com]

I definitely think my garden needs a zombie. It beats the hell out of garden gnomes. Seriously, what the hell is up with garden gnomes? My zombie will kick their little gnomey asses!

I know an artcar person whose truck has antlers. REAL ones. Lots of them. Not the best pics of it but you can kinda get the idea here: http://artcar.blogspot.com/2009/01/honda-element-gets-extreme-makeover.html

I think truck antlers are a much more tasteful way to say "manly" than truck testicles.

[ekesobriquet.livejournal.com]

There needs to be truck stubble.

[nasu-dengaku.livejournal.com]

I think that's what splashes of mud are for.

[mackenzie]

I can't believe you missed the cat toy with cheeseburger controller. That thing is EPIC.

[nasu-dengaku.livejournal.com]

Apparently it's been discontinued.

http://www.smarthome.com/46304/Remote-Control-Mouse-Cat-Toy/p.aspx

[easwaran.livejournal.com]

Wow - never heard of such a thing! And why bother making the controller a cheeseburger if it's not going to be a cheezburger?

[easwaran.livejournal.com]

Wow, five pounds of chocolate! I assumed it was just a normal size chocolate bar, so that you could order one for everyone for the gift bag at your next teamwork seminar or whatever. But I don't know what you do with a single five pound bar!

The underwater phone seems to be pretty much advertising itself as merely a novelty item - "Talk with someone 15,000 miles away while diving a tropical reef or in your pool". At least the examples they give are clearly very shallow dives. I suppose it has to be marketed to people who are willing to spend $1800 on something they'll use just a couple times. But I can see that in the people who regularly travel business class or first class, there could be a market for that - would you rather spend $1800 for this, or to make one flight that you're on for a few hours a bit more pleasant?

The vending machine fits into a general genre of things in that catalog that I've noticed - it's the gift for your wife or kids (in this case kids) that will remind them of you and make it ok that you never see them because you're always traveling for business. (I think the exemplar of this category is the attachment for the vacuum cleaner that sucks up flies or spiders, so that your wife can deal with them by herself even when you're out of town.) I suppose the clock is in a similar category, but it's one that you buy your aging parents to remind them of you because you can never get time to visit.

I think I saw the zombie or something similar in the magazine last time I was browsing - I was impressed that it was remarkably more whimsical in a way that I could actually understand, rather than in the sanitized business-traveler way.

The truck antlers are pretty weird though - I would have thought that this should be targeted at a much more down-market audience than business travelers. (And basically nothing in SkyMall seems to be targeted at leisure travelers who aren't in the same social class as constant business travelers - I don't know if it's because they expect to only get sales from people who flip through the magazine regularly, or if they figure those are the people with the most money on the airplane.)

[nasu-dengaku.livejournal.com]

The vending machine fits into a general genre of things in that catalog that I've noticed - it's the gift for your wife or kids (in this case kids) that will remind them of you and make it ok that you never see them because you're always traveling for business. (I think the exemplar of this category is the attachment for the vacuum cleaner that sucks up flies or spiders, so that your wife can deal with them by herself even when you're out of town.)

That's a good point.

[rhiannonstone.livejournal.com]

I have to say, the bug vaccuum is actually an amazing invention that I (the female half and Chief Spider-Killer of my household) absolutely adore. It makes it easy to reach spiders that are far away quickly, and it's also a great way to transport them outside for humane release when anti-spiderkilling houseguests are over. :)

The one I use isn't an attachment for a vacuum cleaner, but rather a self-contained hand-held manual-powered device that works very well.

[nasu-dengaku.livejournal.com]

I was also impressed by the bug vacuum concept. Clear market need, easy solution.

[easwaran.livejournal.com]

I didn't realize it worked for humane release - that makes it seem more useful.

[ferrouswheel.livejournal.com]

I remember seeing the trunk antlers and the zombie, and being a bit bewildered by both of them. Yet, the temptation is there to try to somehow combine them for the holiday season!

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

I can totally see you in a cute little antler-print hunting vest.

[tigresa.livejournal.com]

I also recall seeing the zombie!

The other thing I regularly chuckle about in SkyMall is the section where they sell movie character paraphernalia (Harry Potter wands and capes, that sort of thing). I LOVED it when they were advertising the One Ring. You, too, can buy the One Ring... mass-produced to be available to EVERYONE!